I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
