we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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