I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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