see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
