You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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