So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
