I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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