When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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