he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
