he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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