I wish my penis had an off switch
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
