Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize