Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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