once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
