I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
