i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
