My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i think im in europe. pls send help
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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