Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
