I faked an abortion last night.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
