so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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