About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
