If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
