there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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