i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize