My nipple is on Facebook.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
