So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
