I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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