life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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