Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
