Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
