And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I touched a dick in church today
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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