First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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