In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
