im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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