the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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