I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
