3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My room smells like vodka and shame
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
