I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
