why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
