Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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