Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
