my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
