If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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