i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
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