why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
