Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
