That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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