Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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