ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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