your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Enjoy the penises
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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