It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I love you.
Bad choice
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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