We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
