i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize