you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm sobbing to NWA
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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