fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
