This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
