I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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